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monday … 1212 already… last month of the year… what has it meant? it’s
been a good year in many ways, a difficult year is some. it’s kinda funny to
think of all the stuff you want to do and then all of the stuff that you do
actually do plus the things that you wanted to do but didn’t. then you think
of how ‘happy‘ you are
right now. then you think about whether you would be ‘happier’ if you woulda
done some of the things you didn’t do, or if maybe you wouldn’ta done some of
the stuff you did do.
sometimes i wonder if i could be different. not different like ’smaller nose’,
but different like if my nature
was different. like if i was the type of person who loved to make lists and
then would never get distracted until the items on that list were completed
and crossed out. instead of being the type of person that will sometimes make
a list and then do a few (or most) of the things on the list, but in the midst
of the list, get distracted by something else that is not important or maybe
just fun or easy. then you look at the list a coupla days later and you’re like
"DAMN! Why didn’t i do that?" then you have to make a whole new list.
or else you just throw the list away and pretend that you did enough.
so my question is, could i be different? could i actually become the type
of person that finishes that list? is that behavior changable? or is that behavior
hard-wired into my brain’s
neurons. if i could be different, then i think that i could be happier.
cuz i like to look back at what i did and be like "hey, i did all this
stuff!" instead of having to say "well, i didn’t do that stuff i wanted
to do, but that’s ok."
so right now i am trying to figure out how to ‘be more disciplined‘
and ’stay focused’ instead of watching Seinfeld reruns and taking cat-naps.