Organic Mutant

Life is short, or so I am told.

I spend a lot of time and energy worrying about how I’ll be remembered. Really. I actually worry about that. About how, when I’m old or dead, people will recall me - if they will recall me at all. It’s not a thing where I feel like I need renown or fame as such, it’s more like I want to leave a legacy. So there I sit (or lay), pondering just how I’ll go about building that legacy. And I actually have come up with a number of pretty decent plans, schemes, plots, etc., which if ever actually executed, would ensure my legacy. Often, drunk with inspiration, I actually take steps to work towards making the plot real. The binge may last moments, hours, days, or weeks, but usually at some point the drive fades, and I’ll find myself - once again - asking if I’ll ever make it happen.

So I stop and look at the reality of my life: 30 years old, no “fortune” to my name, no marquee accomplishments, no “30 under 30″ lists, no hit records, published writings, sold scripts, front page stories, magazine covers, gold chains, 20-inch rims, real estate, etc etc etc … and ask myself: “when do the good times start?”

Sure, I recognize that there is much more to life than some imagined “legacy”, more than material wealth, more than fame and notoriety. But the thing is, I can’t seem to stop obsessing about accomplishing something. And so I continue to sway between overdrive and lament, at times burning the candle at both ends, at others just burning my time away. Will I achieve the goals that I have set? Will I leave a mark in the incomprehensible vastness of time and history? Might I be able to actualize my dreams, to tap my potential, to reach the pinnacle of accomplishment?

Can I one day stand among the greats, the leaders and the pioneers of humanity? Or will I, like almost all others, remain a face in the crowd, a sheep in the flock, a stone on the beach, moving with the tide, to be forgotten with my kin?

Yeah, the questions are a bit egomaniacal, but they are mine. I wake each day still hopeful, motivated anew to strive to find the best I have to offer. I have my highs and lows, my mantras, the Gohonzon, the mirror, all parts of my life that help me deal with my innards, my brain and body, as I try to overcome self-doubt, laziness, and fear.

And I keep going, no matter what.