10. Trying to fix up Condi Rice with his daughter

9. Turns out when you shoot somebody, if you’re not vice president, you gotta do time

8. Bush leaves at two every day and then it’s margaritas and Fritos

7. Set the solitare high score on his office computer

6. Wants to see if he can help Bush get his approval rating under ten

5. Too hard to give up Vice Presidential Discount at D.C. area Sam Goody stores

4. Wants to stay on the job until every country in the world hates us

3. Extra-zappy White House defibrillators

2. Undisclosed location has foosball and whores

1. Why quit when things are going so well?

—Late Show with David Letterman