I am experiencing a distorted melancholy that is based on nostalgia (the feeling you have when you yearn for something long gone and absent from your life - it’s not a time or a place, but a mental state - when your life stretched our in front of you, unwritten, full of hope). I feel forgotten and left behind by life. I think this is a dangerous feeling because it is the basis of reactionary discourse.

Today I was so filled with utter disdain for someone, an admittedly dislikable person, that I wished fervently for their death. In fact I determined that I would not only pray for their death but pray to witness their last tortured breath. I even imagined her falling to the ground, writhing with the agony of an attacked heart. How vile and hateful and ugly - all because I feel left behind.

Also I’ve been reading a lot of idontlikeyouinthatway, ohnotheydidnt.livejournal.com and gofugyourself and I know way too much about L. Lohan, B. Spears & P. Hilton. Way more than I ever, ever wanted to know + all the other assortment of sugar and spice that make up the hegemony-approved celebrity pyramid, ok? I vow to once again hold dear to my determination to avaoid this crap no matter what from now on.

Do you think that myspace runs metrics on you use of the site, after all you are logged in? (Uh, duh, of course they do.) Think of all they know about you. Age, city, alumni, friends, ulp! O man! I think I may want do this: http://www.myspace.com/ellyjonez

*Sam Lipsyte, Home Land, page 99