my young bride, why aren’t you keeping with you all the ones who really love you?
Sometimes it feels like life is a pair of wild horses that drag me through my day. Today we got started at 11:50 am. Wade remarked ‘All right, getting the day started at twelve!’.
An ambiguous statement, no?
So I asked him ‘Is that good or bad?’ He explained to me that he felt relieved to have a day where the outline for the day was so vague. That it was a relief to have the luxury of getting out the door in such a relaxed fashion. And yet I still feel bedraggled. Today was laid back and relaxed but I am used to spending more time in my fiefdom and less time in the world. So I feel like I need time to reacquaint myself with my home and my sofa and my places of contemplation.
After eating at Hodad’s — unburger with grilled onions, cheese & bacon — I felt like finding a warm corner and curling up for a catnap, not to mention my vague ailments. Sitting on the seawall, surrounded by Nick’s ragtag band of ‘friends’ I felt bogged down by my awareness. Awareness of the moment and of the potential future. That consciousness made me fell tired. Last night talking to our cousin, Geno, I told him that ten or twelve years ago that I was not comfortable* with myself, but that now I am. Yet that comfort does not always work itself into my awareness of the world. So today instead of rolling with the shocks, duck-diving underneath the tremulous waves of reality crashing over us, I stood off to the side, reserved in worry and consternation. ‘Where will this child end up?’, I asked myself.
After a while though, I let go and enjoyed the sun, the sound, the multitudes gathered and felt incredible energy and health. That is where I tried to stay.
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*In the past I when I felt uncomfortable I would look outside of myself and would judge people harshly. ‘That person’s a loser, a wastrel, a drunk, deluded, &tc.’ Now I know I am not above anyone and before I judge, I love. I’m not above anyone and no one that I know can be described solely by such a harsh descriptor. My family possesses incredible capacity for loyalty, for love, for generosity, for nobility, for appreciation. So I do not judge.