Organic Mutant

Time has changed me. There was a period in my life when I awoke and lived each day with this burning impulse to be nearly constantly engaged in some sort of productive project. I’d spend many nights working out at the gym, running through the hills of North Beach, working on a design or music project, attending SGI meetings, or even just rearranging my apartment. It was a very productive period in my life, no doubt.

The dark flipside of this seemingly awesome compulsion was a near total inability to relax. So all the times I’d be at a happy hour, or a barbeque, or nightclub, or on a date, my mind was also busy reminding me of the precious and valuable time that I was, in some sense, wasting. I dealt with that anxiety for a period of several years until one day I made a conscious decision to start learning how to relax again - to be able to tell myself that it was OK to ‘waste’ an hour, or an afternoon, just doing nothing (at least nothing ‘productive’).

Changing my mindset was not easy. There I’d be, say, having a drink with friends, when I would have to tell myself (silently, in my head) “Rick, it is OK and it is NORMAL and it is HEALTHY for you to spend time just chillin’.” And, lo, over a period of months my attitude began to change. Eventually, I was able to watch a whole movie without reminding myself of an item to add to my ‘to do’ list or think about my schedule for the next day.

It was fabulously liberating. The sense of constant low-level anxiety that I’d been bearing for years was radically diminished and, after some time became pretty much extinguished. Victory! Right?

Well, not so much. See, my self-training worked better than I had hoped. Instead of learning to find time to relax, I taught myself to love to relax. So that mindset that had once turned my weeknight evenings and most of my weekends into design sessions, editing time, gym visits, and list-making has left in its void a lot of web-surfing, phone-chatting, and Tivo watching. I’m up-to-date on all my blogs, news, and RSS feeds, I’ve seen all the highlights of this weekend’s NFL playoffs (twice) and my iTunes playlists are on point. But my design business has kind of evaporated, my gym shoes are pristine, and I can’t recall the last time I worked on a Bad Seed Music project. (Also, I appear to have written a grand total of 2 blog posts since October.) And I’m sick of it. It’s time to change things again.

So this being that time of year of resoluteness and all…

Clearly, some sort of balance is what I really need. While I love the fact that I can check-out all my ‘productiveness’ compulsions - I don’t want to do that all the time. I have a bunch of things that I want to do in 2007, very few of which I will be posting on this site, but I will say this: I intend to re-ignite the fire, just not at both ends of my metaphorical candle.

This means, first of all, getting back to spending time doing web and graphic design. You will see my web design site and portfolio brought back to life within a month or two. Second, I will be cancelling my satellite TV signal. Sorry folks, I just can’t handle temptation. Last, I will be re-connecting with SGI. I need the organization in my life right now; I think it will help me find the balance that I need.

Sure, I have a longer list of goals here on my (stand up) desk, but for now this is where I am starting. Wish me luck