I could, of course, concoct a vague, notional description of an archetypal day (rise, eat, email, walk, meetings, design, depart, etc) but it would be just a ghost, not a truth. On the other hand, I can picture quite clearly my arrival at La Familia Sagrada, my ascent to the top of Yosemite Falls, the moments around Moula’s passing, or holding Lala’s hand for the first time in the desert. I remember making coffee at dawn and climbing bizarre rocks last year in Anza Borrego as we made our film, or walking across the lawn at Mission Bay with Mom and Dad towards my uncle’s memorial. Or hanging out at Dolores Park in September, the air so warm and the sun setting, reveling in the last days of summer with thousands of other souls.

I remember, and I recall these things with gratitude and longing. But sometimes, such memories feel like dust. Ephemeral and temporary, easily washed away. So while I have them, I cherish them.

One more year in the history books and what have I got to show for it?

A few more wrinkles, a few *less* pounds (!!) and some wonderful memories. 2008  was a very quiet year for me. Very little in the way of dramatic developments or epic experiences. Lots of quiet nights and weekends. Lots of hours in the gym.

Perhaps most notable for me was the time I spent with my family. The entire month of January was spent in sandy eggo, an experience for which I am truly grateful, since it allowed me to “be there” for the birth of my niece, and to be around for a few weeks afterwards to welcome a beautiful new life into our family. A couple of visit north from the ‘rents and the ‘xachos, a couple of trips south in the fall, and the epic week in Cambria rounded out a particularly family oriented travel/vacation schedule.

Socially, there was very little of note. The political calendar kept me very busy for a while, and I did enjoy a lively spring and summer at many politically-oriented events, including attending the Netroots Nation blogger convention, which was a great experience. But once summer season wound down, and aside from campaign related things, I just didn’t seem to get out a lot. I dated a little, but mostly I was rolling solo. That topic probably deserves a post or eight of it’s own, but for now suffice it to say that this trend cannot be allowed to continue, lest I one day find myself turning into a cat lady. Blargh.

Aside from one somewhat exciting project early last spring, work was like a giant vat of vegetable broth on very low simmer: full of potential, very promising, but as it stands not very filling, devoid of any flavor, and quite forgettable. Meh.

The best development, personally, was my decision in late April to quit drinking for 45 days. Special thanks to my blogging potna, without whom that moratorium would certainly not have held, but since she joined in and stood strong in solidarity, we did it! It was a desperately needed, timely, and wonderful experience. It utterly refreshed my outlook on my eating and drinking habits, re-introduced to my life some badly needed self discipline, and set the stage for an ongoing series of additional moratoriums and other self-improvement efforts. It also set the stage for some of my goals I am now formulating for the oh-nine… to be revealed soon.

So that’s it. I still have the same dog, the same job, the same car, the same apartment. I’m still single. I still write in this blog sporadically. I still have a great relationship with my family. I’m in waaayyyy better shape physically.

2008 was a quiet year for me. I have a great feeling that 2009 will be a year of building on some of the solid foundation I have spent so many quiet evenings developing in 2008.  In a few short months I’ll be turning 35. I have some very significant goals … and hopes for the coming year. As I am sure you do! So, here is a humble but heartfelt toast to me, to you, and to all of our loved ones that 2009 will be a year full of achievement and positive growth.

¡Salud!

In the Spring of  ’96 I was freshly out of long term relationship that had been dying a slow long death, but had been over in reality for many years.  In that relationship I had altered myself to make someone else ‘happy’, slowly coming to the realization that you cannot make anyone else happy for we are each responsible for our own happiness.  It is not something you can give to someone else.  In the aftermath of that I decided that I would never change myself for someone else.  I would be myself and love myself and say my peace and if I ended up alone, so what? I’d rather love myself than have someone ‘love’ me under false pretenses.  So began a new manifestation of myself and I decided to grasp life and live on my terms.

I dated a few guys who bored me almost immediately in their shallow pursuit of pleasure.  I met a few guys who piqued my interest, but nothing that made me feel like ‘dang, I wanna read the paper every morning with this one!’. I met one fellow who I thought was very good-looking and to whom I could talk about everything, but he moved to LA.  The Sun God festival was coming up and I invited him down to join me.  The morning of Sun God he called to tell me he’d been in a car accident and wouldn’t be coming down.  Something rang false and I immediately knew he ‘wasn’t that into me’ to borrow a phrase, but in my new found journey from caterpillar to butterfly I decided to not stay in and mourn my lost plans. Instead I grabbed a girl from work who I knew casually and said ‘let’s go to Sun God’ and we went.

We got to the pub and ordered some beer and slices of pizza and headed out to the patio only to discover there was no open seating at all.  There was nothing worse than being banished to the inside of the pub, so we stood there for a moment to see if someone might magically vacate a seat for us. Yeah, right, on the afternoon of the festival everyone was there to stay.  Off in the corner I noticed a table where everyone was standing and so I asked my friend, ‘Should we ask them if we can borrow their chairs for a minute?’ and she said, ‘I’ll follow you.’ So I walzted up and said, ‘hey do you mind if we sit in your chairs til you need ‘em?’  They quickly acquiesced. Now I was not hitting on them as I never even really looked at them.  It just seemed convenient.

My acquaintance and I had never really hung out one on one, so we started talking and eating, talking and drinking, immersed in our own little social sphere. Meanwhile, the sun started setting and the guys whose table we had borrowed started snagging chairs and joining us at the table. At one point we are all seated and introductions were procured. They went around the table introducing themselves. When Wade introduced himself and I looked into his eyes as he said his name, time stopped. There was something that snagged my soul. He seemed familiar and yet I wanted and needed to know him.  I was not drunk as I’d only had two drinks over many hours, so you skeptics can eliminate that suspicion. I was smitten. Over the evening, we flirted and finagled our way closer to one another, later dancing under the stars to whatever band was playing that year.

That summer was the quintessential summer romance, but as the summer progressed we could tell there was something deeper blooming.  We have worked hard on this relationship, both challenging ourselves to grow more generous, more accepting, more reasonable, more loving. Times have been tough and wonderful, but more than anything I want to experience it with him.  The years fly by and every moment encompasses the universe. It is grand.  I look forward to twelve more years and twelve more and twelve more and on and on until I draw my last breath. Fittingly, today we bought a new bed. The journey has been a wonderful adventure as we write next to one another while the wee one coos and squeals behind us.  I love you, my friend!

When I do not feel challenged, I feel stagnant. When I feel stagnant, I don’t feel motivated. When I feel stagnant and unmotivated, I do less, and when all that happens I fall into a rut. When I am in a rut, my self esteem drops, I am less social, I am less ambitious, and in general feel like trash.

When I do feel challenged, I feel stimulated. When I am stimulated, I get excited about things. That excitement wakes me up early in the morning, guides me to make better choices in many facets of my life, and propels me to meet my challenge. To me, challenge is invigorating and the root of it all, challenge is essential to my life.

Why is this so?

I enjoy routine as much as the next blogger, but at the same time find routine to be oppressive. It dims my candle. When I was a schoolboy, I was always excited to learn new subjects. But, being a fast learner, I would grasp lessons so quickly that – as the information was repeated ad nauseum for the other students, I would quickly become bored, and often that would lead to disruptive behavior. (But I was still a good student). Anyhow, the same phenomenon lives within me today. Of course, I am a grown man now and bear a bit more responsibility to my reactions, but the way things affect me has not changed since I was 12 years old.

At work, I have seen the same pattern played out a number of times over the past several years. I take on a new task, with merely a vague notion as to what is being asked of me, then endeavor mightily to master the task and ultimately turn out work of the highest caliber. In some cases I’ve had guidance while in others I have journeyed solo. In either circumstance, eventually I did attain a level of mastery of my discipline, and then spent additional energy to institutionalize and disseminate my learnings and methods.

But once that process is over, I eventually fall into that sense of stagnancy. The only way to avoid that awful fate is to find new challenges. The arc of professional growth that I have followed since 2000, when I left the radio biz and embarked upon my life as a designer, has moved with fits and starts, but in an odd way there has been an irregular rhythm, upon which I have propelled myself to ever greater challenges – up to and including my current position. Best of all, I have been able to endeavor into new challenges while tapping the reservoir of knowledge and experience that I have accumulated over the past 6 years, and at the same time been stimulated by the talented and professional colleagues with whom I work. Not too shabby.

Looking back, it seems that what I love is being good at things, but not at things that seem easy. I need to feel that I am good at things that are hard to do. That’s what I need in my life. Challenge me, and you have me hooked. Take it easy on me, and soon I will loose interest and wander off in the other direction.

Growing up, in every house we ever lived in, our parents would reinvent each yard. From pulling out thoughtlessly planted trees and uninspired landscaping to replacing fences, lawns, and flowering plants Mom and Dad always had a vision of what a quaint, charming yard should look like. Included in that vision was an idea that we as children and teenagers would have chores and responsibilities in moving each yard closer to their vision. Rick has mowed many lawns in his day, perhaps that is why he prefers the urban symphony to the suburban . I too have had many opportunities to learn at the hands of Ma and Pa. I have weeded many flower beds, planted many annuals, and removed many shrubs, bushes, ground cover, and small trees in my day. In my post-college days as gypsy I have had many plants in pots that i dragged from residence to residence. I still have plants in pots (old habits die hard), but in the last five years I have also stuck my hands into the earth and played with our yard to create new vistas, vantages, and habitats.

We spent this morning in the yard, plucking weeds, planting new plants, and generally arranging. Lucas is more interested in moving dirt than in gardening per se, but for about 45 minutes he sat on my lap while I worked around him. We would point out interesting things to each other. Today we saw red-breasted nuthatches and other songbirds, hummingbirds, bees, worms, roly-polies, centipedes, slugs, snails, spiders, grubs, beetles, lots of very small bugs, a lizard, and wasps. Each time Lucas was fascinated, but in the case of the bugs apprehensive.

One thing (of many) that years of eating organic has taught me is that pesticides are overused. We never use pesticides in our yard. We rely on the natural balance of insect predators and prey to keep our garden beautiful. Thus far it has worked, but it does take some effort of our own to keep things from getting unsightly. This year of composting has shown me is that bugs are good. So when I see all the diversity of the bug life, it reinforces my commitment to not using pesticides.

Years ago when being awakened early on Saturday morning to work in the yard “before it gets hot” if you had told me that I would have a garden of my own someday and enjoy working in it, I would have thought you insane, but i have to say that now as Lucas gets older I feel a sense of anticipation at introducing him to the wonders of gardening. It is a pleasure that is relatively inexpensive, creates value and beauty, and connects you to the natural world even in an urban environment. Gardening in all its forms is an active endeavor that although not highly respected is vital for our survival. One goal for this year is to try my hand at vegetable gardening in order to lessen my impact on the environment and to give Lucas the opportunity to labor for his own benefit.

In the last few months we’ve added some new elements that are encouraging me to focus on the yard more. They include: a fountain, a bird feeder, a real wind chime i.e. not the little tinny ones from the drugstore, but the more melodic (and expensive) ones. These few elements have added a new dimension to the yard. The running water adds peace in spite of the traffic noises, the bird feeder fills our yard with birds and occupies us for hours as we gaze at them and enjoy their songs, and the chimes are very subtle, but add harmony to the chaos of life in the semi-urban symphony.

I remember that when we first started dating Mom and Dad used to always ask me ‘What do you guys talk about?’. Their initial impression of Wade was that he was terse, shy, and limited in his conversational skills. I couldn’t explain to them that when Wade and I were alone a torrent would unleash from him and he would talk, talk talk, TALK.

On our first date, we walked on a beach after a small meal and he told me so much about his life — his family, his experiences growing up, his college daze, his work life, so much in fact that I felt a tad overwhelmed. Later to hear them ask that question I had to laugh because their impression of him was so different from my experience of him.

Tonight I was trawling the internets and this* song popped up on iTunes. First the groove worked its way into my subconscious and then I saw the title and recalled the early days of the Wade/Xtina romance, I felt how much I missed him and how silent the house felt even with Lucas’ small coughs and sleepy grumbles echoing from the back of the house.
This song evokes something in my mind…the violins, the funky groove recalls to mind the days when there was nothing we had to do and spending the day in bed was something to which we could aspire. Actually that is one of my most treasured memories, waking up early one morning in Wade’s humble room in PB. (He’s not an acquisitive person innately. He lives simply. A few of this, a little of that — his only vice is music.) anyway, I woke up early one morning in his simple bedroom filled with a few small pieces of furniture, a bed, a nightstand, a shelf, a few clothes in the closet, nothing fancy and I felt this deep sense of contentment — it pervaded my being. I knew that everything I needed was in that room. It was a cellular recognition that true satisfaction does not come from things, it comes from our interactions with people, honest interactions that resonate in our being.

It is something I go back to in my mind when daily life is taking its toll and it brings me back to my center, reminding me that all the “problems” &tc are nothing compared to the wonderful people in my life that I love.

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* “Ijustwannalayarounalldayinbedwithyou” by Coup (& the title of this post)